"You know gluttony is a mortal sin, don't you?"

"So is torture!"

"No, it isn't. All five popes engage in it with great frequency."

—   Chapter 1


"You want to sign up for our email reminders?"

"What's email?"

"Ecclesiastic mail. It's delivered by a Jesuit."

—   Chapter 4


The abbess climbed aboard the cow and they headed for the convent. Once there, she ordered a few of the students to disguise the cow as a goat by stapling yarn to its hide in the event anyone came looking for a stolen steer.

"And it will protect us from mad cow disease," she reasoned. "No one's ever invented mad goats."

—   Chapter 6


"So you're actually three men?" the abbess asked.

"Um... well, you see, I...that is... uh... well, yes," Sister Dorcas stammered out, bowing her head.

The abbess nodded thoughtfully, and took another drag from the water pipe. "Well, that certainly explains the mustaches and beards. All right, who wants to go next?"

—   Chapter 17


Abélard was firmly convinced the child was his, and sent Héloïse to live with his sister in Brittany. There she gave birth to a son she named Astrolabe, as he seemed to be a useless instrument.

—   Chapter 23


The inn looked a great deal like the Prancing Pony in that movie that wouldn't be invented for quite some time, only with more women, all of whom were thinner and prettier than Hippy.

—   Chapter 25


"Are you sure it's wise to bring these gits, Sire?"

Beowulf glared at Fabby. "I didn't say, “Let's bring the gits,” you clot. I said, “Let's bring the Geats!” Oaf."

—   Chapter 37


"Ow, you bastard!" the dragon wailed, and powered up her internal flamethrower again. "You'll be sorry I ate garlic and onions for lunch!"

—   Chapter 37


Hippy had never ridden an elephant before but this was a fantasy novel, so the elephant went exactly where he was supposed to go, stopping only to scarf a bale of hay in a farmer's pasture or empty a trough of water meant for horses or cows.

—   Chapter 64


"Sweeting, surely you don't intend to marry this buffoon in the filibeg?"

"No, Daddy. In the church."

—   Chapter 82

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